Following his attempt at being reelected in 1911, history would show no LaDouche had ever been reelected. The problem might have been in four years, people can get to see the real LaDouche in action. As H.L. Mencken famously said of a similar political animal, “It is one thing to witness his assininity, and quite another to be in its grips.” This writer is a Mencken fan, and I have only slightly paraphrased his quote. By 1911, citizens often interrupted his speeches by randomly braying like donkeys. Phineas would glare at the crowd, shaking his head side-to-side (as angry donkeys do), talk louder, and try to ignore the braying.

Between the donkey braying and La Douche’s attempted passage of an Exclusionary Tractor Zone, Phineas was soundly defeated in the 1911 election. Big Phineas was crushed; he sold his donkey farm, which he had acquired by divorce, hopped on his ass, and rode west. Phineas and his fourth wife reportedly made it only as far west as Dayton. His son Beavis A. La Douche would eventually spawn Marcus A. La Douche, who predictably is pretty much like his ancestors. As folk’s ‘round Etna would say, “The slop doesn’t fall far from the bucket.” Many years later, Beavis would be elected as Etna Township Trustee, coming off his failed position as state chairman for the McGovern Campaign. It seems The La Douche family was always desperate to leave their mark on Etna but, sadly, so far, have only left a stain. The LaDouches were never for anything, only against anything they didn’t like. They were good at attack campaigning but not the day-to-day business of relationships or being civil to those “pesky townsfolks,” seeming to forget they were voters.

The Middle Initial “A”

Over the years, people instinctively learned what the middle initial “A” in all of the male LaDouche’s names meant. While failure for a Ladouche is most often self-inflicted, let’s go back to before Phineas’ big defeat. It was common for folks to refer to Phineas and subsequent LaDouches as a-holes. Being called an a-hole daily by the residents set old Phineas up for an unfortunate incident early in his trustee career. People commonly made fun of old Phineas (some called him phony-us), but simply a-hole was his most common moniker.

Here is the report from 1908: a reporter for The Etna Times, Scoop Shelly, wrote, “Today I witnessed our ersatz Trustee Phineas LaDouche strutting down the street when a road crew worker pointing in his direction yelled out to him, ‘a-hole, a-hole!’ Phineas was enraged and kept walking while turning to give the worker a proper middle finger. It was then that he promptly fell into a large hole that had been excavated to clear a septic tank blockage.” When interviewed, the worker, later identified as Bubba Tarchip, said he was trying to warn Trustee LaDouche that a deep hole was ahead of him. Trustee Phineas A. LaDouche had a long walk home soaked in “the peoples’ feces” as his donkey took off running when the stream of yelling and profanity from Phineas alarmed the animal as old Phineas tried to claw his way out of the poo and find someone else to blame for his ignorance.

Smirkholder almost laughs.

The good people of Etna found this story rather humorous, and from then on, whenever they saw Phineas out inspecting his “Kingdom,” folks would yell out to Phineas, “A-hole! and then point quickly toward the ground.   

Phineas didn’t take his dip in the poo with the grace and self-deprecating humor of a seasoned veteran of politics. He immediately (after a few dips in the donkey troughs) drafted a motion to require fences around all holes dug over 6 inches deep in the entire township. His motion failed to garner a second, and Barry Smirkholder could barely keep a straight face as he announced, “The motion dies for lack of a second.” (legend has it that Smirkholder was the inspiration for Hanna Barbara’s Muttley the dogs smirking laugh). Phineas was enraged and vowed to continue his “fight” for the townsfolk and the scourge of open holes.” He finally bellowed, “You people don’t deserve me!” Which brought in unison a hardy “AMEN!’ from the townsfolks with such enthusiasm that one could think they were at the Etna First Church of God. Phineas went home and wrote more proclamations to post on the village walls while citizens quietly looked forward to more paper for the outhouses.

His motion failed to garner a second, and Barry Smirkholder could barely keep a straight face as he announced, “The motion dies for lack of a second.”

As you can tell by the pattern set by Grandpa LaDouche and LaDouche’s lack of character, nothing changed from Phineas to Marcus. Their self-righteousness and arrogance increased from 1903 to the present day. The LaDouches always insist on being the absolute authority on everything, especially anything concerning moral standards, dogs, donkeys, farming, construction, innovation, and transportation (but only if it was their idea). Anything a LaDouche does not like is improper, shameful, and against some rule or law. Additionally, the LaDouches kept an Enemies List, of anyone who disagreed with them (practically everyone) and viciously attack those people with hate and slander, and when they could use the public treasury to attack or sue anyone who disagreed with them, well, that for a LaDouche was ecstasy.

Anything a LaDouche does not like is improper, shameful, and against some rule or law.

LaDouche Rule #1

The State of Hate Before Facebook

Long before Facebook, Phineas A. LaDouche (trustee 1907 to 1911) would post handwritten nastygrams on walls, trees, town squares, etc., as unsolicited public pronouncements. As he would often opine, “The people need to know what is going on (later updated by his grandson to transparency!”), Which meant rules for thee and not for me! Phineas spent half of his meager trustee salary on paper. Phineas never learned that most of his notes were collected by the townsfolk and put to good use in local outhouses. Nowadays, with the advent of digital nastygrams, the Townsfolks can’t make good use of LaDouche communications.

Beavis LaDouche (Phineas’ son) years later was elected. He was seeking to avenge the defeat of Phineas A. LaDouche. The Donkey Farm was gone, but Beavis LaDouche was no farmer; he was an inventor, the smartest man in Etna (in his estimation), and Licking County and Ohio. Of course, he, like all LaDouche, knew everything. Beavis invented a lot of worthless things as well as a nare to do son, Marcus. 

Beavis would borrow money from anyone who would lend it to him, though he rarely paid it back. He was famous at the Newark Courthouse and was not shy about filing bankruptcy, reportedly three back-to-back.

Just when things seemed hopeless, Beavis had a flash of genius and invented the LaDouche Nozzle to help pressurize the water flow for the local firemen and planned to sell it worldwide to governments. This was new for Phineas, Beavis, and later Marcus A. They always tried to be in a position where their pay was not so much connected to market forces (i.e., work & innovation) but compelled payments and a gentle suckle of the government teat. At the time of the invention, the meager Trustee Salary barely kept Beavis A. LaDouche in the inventing business.

So Beavis was ecstatic when the Southwest Licking County fire department decided to test the LaDouche Nozzle. During a fire a month later, where coincidently the media was already there, the big test for the much-anticipated LaDouche Nozzle was happening. At first, things went well. The LaDouche Nozzle certainly was good at increasing the pressure! Then tragedy struck! The LaDouche nozzle, like all things LaDouche, cracked under pressure and could not perform.

The LaDouche Nozzle certainly was good at increasing the pressure! Then tragedy struck! The LaDouche nozzle, like all things LaDouche, cracked under pressure and could not perform.

Source: Etna Times

A fireman using the LaDouche Nozzle was pushing back flames in a rooming house on Pike Street, and when the LaDouche Nozzle cracked, the water flow failed, and a backdraft consumed the fireman. This was a solemn day in Etna, and most people did not mock Beavis with the LaDouche Donkey braying, though Cleve Gherkins, a pickle farmer on Palmer Rd, after the ambulance left, yelled out, “That’ll look real good on the News LaDouche!” 

Ultimately the fireman, Rock Manley, lived but was never able to work again; the LaDouche Nozzle had crippled Etna’s most eligible bachelor, and he was removed from his normal picture (January) in the Fireman’s calendar.

Beavis A. LaDouche issued a press release immediately “saying the fireman was not using the LaDouche Nozzle correctly; it was not the LaDouche Nozzle’s or his fault. Lawsuits were filed, and Beavis knew he could not run for office again. He filed bankruptcy and, like his father, left town, taking young Marcus A., and headed west back to Dayton. Maybe people would forget his less-than-stellar character after 4 years. Beavis was a master of blaming, complaining, and defending his stupidity. This would be refined to an expert level by his son, Marcus A. LaDouche, years later.

Entomology of the term Douche Bag

The etymology of the term Douche Bag (as a pejorative): While the LaDouche’s have added nothing worthwhile to the economy or service of Etna, they were instrumental in creating the slang term “douche bag” (which gained worldwide usage) originally when Beavises’ LaDouche Nozzle failed. It was popular to say that guy was a “LaDouche Nozzle” Eventually, the “La” was dropped, and the pejorative term became just Douche Nozzle, then Douche Bag, etc. Sadly, all this began with Beavis LaDouche making a pejorative out of the term Douche Bag, which actually served a purpose in the world, unlike a human LaDouche.

Possible characters for future installments: Barry Smirkholder, John Carpile, RyanTryandsave Us, Cleve Gherkins, Widow Sosleazy, along with all the LaDouches and their exploits. If you have story ideas, please contact us at news@etna today.com. Also, the address for actual news events.

Remember to Live, Laugh, and Learn. This is Alice for Jon Hanson at EtnaToday.com on Twitter or X @EtnaToday.